Losing someone dear to you...
Enny Douma lost her husband in January. 'The pain cannot really be described. It’s as if it touches your soul,' Enny says. A call to Rouwsteun helped her.
How is it different from talking about your grief with family or friends?
When Enny lost her husband, there was little time to grieve. 'That was because I fainted a lot in the period after his death. It was unclear where it came from. Whenever I walked past my husband's picture, I got a huge lump in my throat every time, too. Now that’s no longer the case.'
'When it turned out that I needed a pacemaker, I stopped fainting and things calmed down so I was finally able to grieve. That was also when I received a letter from TNO Pension Fund with information about Rouwsteun ['Grief Support'] and the phone number I could call if I needed to. I called them that same week. I thought, "Who knows? It might be nice to be able to talk about my grief and help me." And that turned out to be the case.'
Talking about grief
'Of course, family is very understanding of your grief and the pain you feel,' Enny explains. 'They try to comfort you by stressing that you had a wonderful life together and you have to move on. That’s true, of course, but it is also nice if there can be room for grief.' In the conversation with Rouwsteun, they offered her that space.
Enny's experience
Enny spent as much as an hour on the phone with Rouwsteun. 'The person I spoke to also had experience with losing a partner. The recognition is nice. It really helped me. Looking back, I don't even remember all that we talked about, but in that moment it was nice. I came out of the call with a good feeling.'
'I also talk about my grief with family and friends, but it’s different.'
'On the whole, I feel much stronger than at the beginning of the year. I no longer immediately get a lump in my throat when I walk past my husband's picture. But I also know: sadness just comes over you. You don't know in advance when, but for now it's good.'
More energy and happier
After we have talked about Rouwsteun, Enny proudly talks about her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and what she has since started doing again. 'I started playing bridge again, something I used to do with my husband for years. The first time was tough. I couldn't keep my mind on it, but now I can. It gets a little better each time. And now and then I compliment myself,' she says enthusiastically. 'I would also like to go on holiday again. That seems nice, for example to Valkenburg. I used to go there with my husband and I have fond memories of it. I also enjoy ballroom dancing. Once every three weeks, I go to an Indonesian dance night. That's a lot of fun. I sometimes use a mobility scooter now, because I have difficulty walking, but with help and support from other ladies I just dance along; then it’s a kind of line dancing.'
Of course, she misses her husband
'Most of all, I miss that strong arm around me. And I have the radio on a lot at home now, so it's not so quiet. I also talk to his picture sometimes. I used to think that was crazy when other people did that, but oh well, I just do it too.' Enny concludes by telling a bit more about her husband. They were together for about 35 years. When they met, he was living in Gouda with his two sons. He worked at TNO in Delft, where he ended up working for no less than 40 years. She was a dental assistant and lived in The Hague with her two daughters. When they met, he came to live with her in The Hague. They had a good life together. Tragically, at a certain point he developed Alzheimer's. She herself is now 81 and has trouble walking, but her mobility scooter offers her freedom. And who knows, maybe her wish to go on holiday to Valkenburg again will come true...
And so we had a very personal conversation. After taking a photo downstairs in the hall, we each move on in the hope of helping others with this. Because whether you're young or old, it's nice when you don't have to bear grief alone.
Help with grief
It has been announced that the Rouwsteun service will unfortunately be ending, because the funding for the organization behind Rouwsteun cannot be continued. Fortunately, the site Rouwinformatie.nl will remain available. On that site, you will find information about grief. It can offer support when looking for information.